Give Children Time

On "Introducing" New Things to Children

I have noticed a trend in modern parenting in which parents race to introduce new things to their children. It is always done with the best of intentions. Parents become excited to share things with their children that they love. It is often an eagerness to share the good things about the world.

A parent loves Star Wars, french fries, classical music, or the Golden State Warriors. It takes all forms. Sometimes, it is driven by a desire to give children a broader perspective than parents had as children... So they introduce Indian food when most children are still eating mac and cheese... Or rock and roll when most kids are still singing nursery rhymes... Or the concept of racism before children know what race is…

This sort of parenting undoubtedly comes from a place of love. But there is a cost to it.

Every time we introduce something to a child, we take away the child’s opportunity to discover it on their own. We force open the doors to a world the child may just have begun peaking around and taking in on their own initiative. We demystify the child’s world before they can fully appreciate what they’re experiencing.

The Cost of Premature Introduction

The child’s world is very small when they are born. They have known only the comfort of their womb. They come into a very small world that, in most cases, includes only their immediate family, their home, and whatever is in their proximate environment.

Really imagine what a shift that is—to move from a biologically defined existence into a vast world.

It is overwhelming. It is assaulting. And it is fascinating.

The child does not even immediately have a relationship with their own body. One of every child’s first discoveries is their own hand and the realization that it is part of them. The world unfolds slowly as the child takes in everything around them in ways that we take for granted. And this is as it should be. A child’s world should constantly unfold and broaden to help them orient themselves in the new world they are coming into.

The Importance of Self-Discovery and Confidence

The problem with sharing things too quickly with a child is that they have no frame of reference for it. What we believe to be enriching may simply be overwhelming. It may also overstimulate and, therefore, overwhelm foundational experiences that would benefit the child.

For example, it is commonplace today for parents to “teach” their children to walk, under the mistaken belief that it is something that needs teaching and that there are advantages to speeding a child’s “development.” We know that neither proposition is true.

As Dr. Emmi Pikler discovered, every child will work through a biologically defined set of movements that eventually culminates in them walking if given the time to do it on their own. I have seen it many times in the children I’ve worked with. Left to their own devices, infants who receive adequate care and who do not have a disability will learn to walk on their own. And importantly, when left to figure it out on their own, they develop a more secure sense of their own bodies, and their eventual mobility has a stronger foundation. This is not a metaphor.

The children I have observed over the years who have learned to walk independently have better balance, strength, and confidence. The proverbial chick must struggle to break free from its egg because the struggle provides strength to survive in the world. If you help a chick break out of its egg, it robs the chick of an experience that would have benefited it in the long run.

Learning to walk is a child-sized challenge that children are capable of solving. And when they complete the task on their own, they not only get the joy of self-discovery, but they will be better positioned to use their newfound knowledge.

Shared Interests

Parents may worry that if they do not share things with their child, their child will not share their interests. However, there are several wrong assumptions baked into this concern.

First, the assumption that a child should share your interests is not clearly right. If a child does not share our interests, we should learn to share their interests.

Second, it is overwhelmingly likely that a child will share your passions based on the relationship with the parent. The parent is the child’s guide and window into the world. If you love the New York Jets, the child will learn to love them if they see your genuine passion for them. They will love the food you love because it’s what you love. You don’t need to rush the process.

There is another dark side to introducing too many new things to a child. And that is the possibility that the child will then become fascinated by something that the adult is not so fascinated with.

I can’t tell you how common it is for parents to complain that their child is now obsessed with the movie Frozen and how the songs are driving them nuts. But the parents themselves introduced it to the children. Why?

There is no developmental or cultural imperative for a child to watch Frozen. There will be plenty of instances where a child discovers something from their peers that annoys their parents. That is what it is. We all must compromise with our children’s interests when they discover something annoying to adults.

But why introduce something of this nature unnecessarily? It is destined to force a parent to close a door that was previously opened. And that is a recipe for conflict and discord. That sort of conflict and compromise is inevitable in the ordinary course of the parent/child relationship. Why introduce additional conflict where it did not need to exist?

Let the world unfold for your child at a child’s pace.

It’s better for both of you.