Feeding as a Trust Exercise

Understanding Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility

Trust is a foundational requirement in the world of respectful caregiving—trust in the child’s capabilities, trust in their innate wisdom, and trust in the developmental process itself. It is one of the linchpins to both the Pikler® and RIE® caregiving approaches, which emphasize a child’s intrinsic competence and the caregiver’s role in providing a secure, predictable environment. Feeding one of those caregiving tasks in which a lack of trust can lead to difficulties for infant and parent alike. Power struggles around food are common and a frequent source of frustration for all involved. Done well, feeding is an intimate bonding moment that deepens a relationship. Done poorly, it can cause children to develop unhealthy relationships with food.

Ellyn Satter, a dietitian and family therapist, has developed a framework for thinking about infant feeding that she calls the Division of Responsibility, which aligns well with the Pikler and RIE approaches. Satter’s approach seeks to help children develop a healthy relationship with food. It does so by establishing clear roles for both parents and children:

• The parent decides what, when, and where food is offered.

• The child decides whether to eat and how much to eat.

This approach aligns the capabilities of each participant to their respective competencies and reduces potential flash points for conflict. The parent is best positioned to provide the setting, timing, and menu. But a young child should be trusted to listen to their own body in deciding whether they are hungry or in the mood to eat. This arrangement can eliminate power struggles, encourage self-regulation, and respects a child’s natural ability to meet their own needs when given the right environment. Satter’s model is not just about nutrition; it is about autonomy, trust, and the development of a lifelong positive relationship with food.

The Connection to Pikler and RIE: Trusting the Young Child

Both Pikler and RIE philosophies rest on the idea that children are capable human beings who can be trusted to take the lead in their own development. This philosophy extends to movement, play, sleep, and—importantly—feeding. Rather than coercing, directing, or micromanaging children’s choices, these approaches encourage caregivers to provide a stable environment where children can explore within safe boundaries.

Satter’s Division of Responsibility provides a useful framework that can help accomplish these goals with respect to feeding.

1. Respect for Autonomy

Satter’s Division of Responsibility treats children as active participants rather than passive recipients of care by allowing them to engage with food at their own pace, just as they would explore movement or play. It respects children’s internal hunger and satiety cues, just as we respect a child’s ability to determine when they are ready to roll, crawl, or walk. When a child is trusted to eat according to their own needs, they learn to listen to their body, rather than being conditioned to override their natural cues.

2. Predictability and Security

One of the hallmarks of respectful caregiving is consistency. Satter’s feeding approach does this by establishing mealtimes and locations that are dependable. Children thrive on knowing what to expect, and when meals are consistently offered without pressure. This consistency helps them develop trust in both their caregivers and in their own competency to regulate and satisfy hunger.

3. Non-Coercive

Satter’s model discourages any form of pressure at mealtimes—whether it’s insisting on “just one more bite” or rewarding eating with dessert. Adults often believe they need to encourage or discourage food consumption by their infants based on what the adult estimates the right amount of food is. But this is an inherently flawed endeavor. At best, it discourages children from listening to their own internal sense of hunger, leaving them less able to regulate their own biological functions. At worst, it can impose adults’ own conscious or unconscious neuroses around food onto an infant who has limited ability to advocate for themselves. But when a child knows they won’t be forced, bribed, or manipulated during mealtimes, they are more likely to approach food with curiosity and openness rather than resistance or anxiety.

4. Emotional Well-Being and Connection

Caregiving routines, particularly those centered around basic human needs (feeding, diapering, bathing) are not just functional but relational moments—opportunities for connection. And few human needs have more relational ritual than eating. Humans have universally developed elaborate relational rituals around eating—mealtimes with family, neighborhood barbeques, weddings, funerals, religious celebrations. We broadly recognize the relational nature of eating together. Satter’s Division of Responsibility acknowledges that this is as true for infants as it is for adults. Meals are meant to be a time of togetherness, not a battleground. When caregivers trust the child’s ability to eat according to their needs, they can focus on fostering a warm, connected atmosphere rather than policing every bite.

5. Developmentally Appropriate Independence

A central tenet of respectful caregiving is allowing children to do what they are capable of without unnecessary adult interference. This applies to self-directed movement, self-initiated play, and self-regulated eating. Just as a Pikler-trained caregiver would not prop a baby into a sitting position before they are ready, neither would they try to make a child eat a predetermined amount of food. In both cases, development unfolds at the child’s pace, leading to greater confidence and competence.

Navigating Challenges: When Trust Feels Difficult

Many parents and caregivers struggle with trusting a child’s ability to self-regulate food intake. Concerns about nutrition, growth, and picky eating often lead well-meaning adults to intervene. However, just as children learn to walk through trial and error, they also learn to manage their eating patterns over time by calibrating how much food is enough or not enough. Trusting the process, and the child’s ability to learn from it, is essential.

Here are some common concerns:

• “My child won’t eat enough!”

  • Much like movement and play, eating fluctuates. Some days a toddler walks more than usual; some days they eat more than usual. Trusting their natural rhythms prevents unnecessary stress. Over time, a child will learn to eat enough. Under ordinary circumstances, they will learn to understand their own internal cues.

• “They only want certain foods.”

  • Just as a child fixates on one type of play or movement before expanding their skills, they may go through phases with food. Exposure without pressure encourages variety over time. Children’s curiosity is typically better encouraged by providing safe options in conjunction with new foods without the pressure to try the new thing. The child has the security to know they can eat something they like and can feel free to try and process the new food being presented to them.

• “They waste food.”

  • Exploration is part of learning. Just as a child learns to manipulate objects before mastering fine motor skills, they must engage with food before mastering eating habits. Avoiding pressure and allowing natural curiosity can lead to more mindful eating behaviors.

Conclusion:

Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility in Feeding offers a powerful, research-backed framework that aligns beautifully with the respectful, trust-based principles of the Pikler and RIE approaches. By establishing clear roles for both caregivers and children, the Division of Responsibility allows feeding to be an opportunity for connection, autonomy, and self-regulation rather than a source of conflict.

When we trust children to eat in the way their bodies guide them—just as we trust them to walk when they are ready or play in a way that fosters development—we honor their competence and dignity. In doing so, we lay the foundation for a lifelong, healthy relationship with food and reinforce the most fundamental principle of respectful caregiving: children are capable, and they thrive when we trust them.